HUMOR: October 12, 1492 - 2009 Honoring Christopher Columbus and his drug trade routes.
Posted: Monday, October 12, 2009
by Kenny St.pierre
They say Christopher Columbus discovered America (Just a few thousand years after the native Americans were born there.) - while he was seeking a shorter trade route. Well, being the busy body I am, I did some research on this story, and I must admit, some of the information and details I unexpectedly uncovered shocked me in many ways. And because of this new found knowledge, my insights into the man and legend have compelled me to pass on the REAL story of his epic voyage to my fellow writers for the benefit of our better understanding of the man and his events - while we also celebrate his great "discovery(?)."
You'll be happy to know all of my info is authentic, and comes directly from the internet and National Inquirer. Here is how I now view what might have in fact really happened:
As Columbus grew to manhood he went to the port of Lisbon. I learned that Columbus earned his living partly by drawing maps, and partly by selling drugs. The maps which Columbus made and sold were very different from those we now have, and so were the drugs. To my chagrin I heard the drugs were much better back then. I'll tell ya. I have no luck!
Anyway, during that time not half of the world had been discovered, which leads me to think the other half may have been. Continents like Europe, Africa, Asia, India , and parts of one other continent, Ireland, were the chief areas known then. Especially Africa, although I learned it had too many Chiefs and not enough Indians. I don't know about the rest of ya, but I think it would be pretty hard to run a country like that no?
It's written that while living in Lisbon, Columbus made up his mind to try to do what no other man at that time dared attempt, which was to cross the Atlantic Ocean to buy and sell drugs, and to befriend a man named Manuel Noriega whom he had a dream about but never found or met. He thought that, by doing so, he could sell directly to Asia and the Indies, and be the eventual "Kingpin." If successful, Chris could open up a very profitable drug trade with the rich countries of the East.
However, Columbus was too poor to fit out even a single ship to undertake such a voyage as he had planned, so he asked the king of Portugal to furnish some money or vessels toward it. After the King was done laughing and Columbus had received no encouragement - he left for Spain. Chris learned later the Portuguese King didn't do those kinda drugs. He only did mescalin.
Undeterred, Columbus went to a Spanish convent and told the convent guardian there of his plans, and because the guardian liked illegal substances he listened with great interest. The guardian handed Chris a letter to give to a friend, whom he believed, would help him lay his plans before Ferdinand and Isabella - the King and Queen of Spain. It was common knowledge among the Spaniards that their King and Queen were both druggies, allowing Chris the highest of hopes.
However, after confronting them, Columbus was kept waiting for seven years by Queen Isabella; mainly because he was having sex with her (And it's to my understanding she thought he was pretty hot!). Hey, good for him!
But time passed and Columbus came to realize that sex wasn't everything, so he became very restless and wanted to sail (Note: Chris was doing a lot of cocaine at the time, so researchers believe that may have contributed to his restlessness also.). Feeling he had waited long enough, Columbus pleaded to the Queen one last time for financial support, and although she wanted him to stay, she eventually gave in and funded his voyage.
A month had passed when he was finally ready to leave Spain. On his day of departure it is attested by many that Queen Isabella ran to to be with him, but when she paced up the ramp in her dress, and made a dash for the ship's deck - she missed and landed in the water.
Unable to hear her cries, Chris learned of the incident some time later, and came to realize the enormous passion the Queen must have felt for him. He was deeply moved and thought momentarily of turning around, but because of his addiction, he stayed strong and moved forward toward his quest.
Weeks earlier the Queen had hooked Chris up with two rich sea captains who were also cocaine and heroin addicts . They decided and agreed to take part in the voyage, so with their compliance and the financial assistance Columbus got from the Queen - he was able to fit out three vessels.
Early on Friday morning, August 3, 1492, Columbus started from Palos in an attempt to cross the ocean - which men at that time called the Sea of Darkness; a name which showed how little they knew of it, and how much they dreaded it. Not to mention it probably didn't have any lights neither.
Anyway, Columbus sailed first for the Canary Islands because from there he figured it would be a straight line across to Japan and Asia . Those who were there say he also wanted to buy some canaries for his young son.
When the vessels got far out on the ocean, and the sailors could no longer see any of the islands, they were overcome with fear. They all got to thinking they may never get back to Palos again. For more than thirty days the three ships kept on their way toward the west. The crew whispered among themselves that Columbus had gone mad, and that if they continued on with him in command they would all perish.
But that evening Columbus pulled out a bag of cocaine and begged his crew to keep a sharp lookout - he also promised a couple of joints to the one who should first see land. All got with excitement, and no man closed his eyes in sleep that night.
Columbus had given the order to furl sails that night, so the three vessels came to a stop and waited for the dawn. When the sun rose the following morning Friday, October 12, 1492, Columbus saw a beautiful island with many trees growing on it. That was his first sight of the New World, and only the second time he saw the new trees.
Attended by the captains of the other two vessels, Columbus set out in a boat for the island. When they landed, they all fell to their knees, kissed the ground for joy, and gave thanks to God. After Columbus wiped his lips clean, he named the island San Salvador and took possession of it - by right of discovery for the King and Queen of Spain. Especially the Queen.
However, just when he got done naming it, Columbus found that it was inhabited by a copper-colored people who spoke a language he could not understand. Columbus became very depressed at the thought of his new illiteracy, but after 15 minutes or so he did another line of coke and within little time he felt much better.
Oddly, the copper-colored people wore no clothing. Chris wanted to, but couldn't arrest them for indecent exposure because there were no laws yet forbidding it. Also, because of budget restraints, Columbus was short on police officers.
Even more curious was the way the natives painted their bodies with bright colors. Since painting your body WAS against Spanish law, Columbus happily fined them. He made them pay in gold, which was abundant and visible in their jewelry.
After staying there a short time Columbus set sail toward the south in search of more land, and he also hoped to learn where these people got their gold. In my opinion he should have just asked them. I think it would have been much easier and made more sense, but I wasn't there to suggest it. I'm pretty sure I was busy that day.
Next, he landed at the island of San Domingo . Here his ship was wrecked , just as he and his crew were. Wisely, Chris took the timber of the wreck and built a fort on the shore; leaving about forty of his crew in this fort. The next day Columbus set sail for Palos in one of the two remaining vessels.
When the vessel of Columbus was seen entering the harbor of Palos, the whole village was wild with excitement. More than seven months had gone by since he sailed away from that port, and as nothing had been heard from him or his crew, many supposed that the vessel was lost. They also were thrilled to see Chris because they were out of drugs, and they hoped he had some.
The bells of the churches rang a merry welcome; the people thronged the streets, shouting to each other that Columbus, the great navigator, had crossed the Sea of Darkness and had returned in safety. But when they found out he was out of coke and heroin, they all retreated back home. There was indeed a drought.
The King and Queen were in the city of Barcelona at the time, a long distance from Palos, but when Chris heard this information - he went immediately to see his beloved Queen. Unable to find a horse, Columbus entered Barcelona on piggyback. It wasn't a actual pig. He rode on the back of one of the native Americans he brought back with him.
He was attended by the proudest and richest noblemen of Spain, some of who no one knew. Chris also brought with him eleven Indians from the West Indies . They were gaily painted and wore bright feathers in their hair. Along the way children sang a song they had written in their praise entitled, The Ten Little Indians. Kids in those days only counted to ten. Immediately behind Columbus were a number of men who followed. They were carrying rare birds, plants, and gold and silver ornaments - all found in the New World.
There were many presents given to the King and Queen, some of which came from Columbus himself. Chris gave the King a two year membership to a local star-gazing club. A blatant gesture of mocking since the King was legally blind. For the Queen, Chris submitted to her tight clothing meant to encourage her to diet. Chris also offered to her such practical gifts as an iron, a dish washer, and a vacuum cleaner. It was obvious to everyone but the King, that Chris loved the Queen and had intentions of marrying her. The King never saw any of this courtship that was taking place right before his dead eyes.
Ferdinand and Isabella received Columbus with great honor. When Columbus had told them the story of his wonderful voyage, the King and Queen sank on their knees and gave praise to God; and all who were present followed their example because if they hadn't, they would have been killed on site. Praise God!
Sometime after, Columbus made three more voyages across the Atlantic. He discovered more islands near the coast of America, and thus began his drug-dealing emporium. He touched the coast of Central America and then of South America, but that was all. He never set foot on any part of what is now the mainland of the United States, yet he still made a fortune from there. Right up until his death Columbus thought that the land he had reached was part of Asia, but he was wrong. It is documented that it indeed was something else at the time.
Historians are still perplexed as to how it was that Christopher Columbus found a new world occupied by people who had been living there for thousands of years before, yet not one of the natives thought to set out and discover their own country. It's baffling to even the most educated and people like me. Most scholars have come to the conclusion the natives may have had faulty maps. I believe they may have had a defective GPS machine, but that's just my opinion.
Sadly, the last days of this great man and addict, Christopher Columbus, were very sorrowful. The king was disappointed when he learned Chris slept with his Queen and brought back no gold. It's been written before that when the King learned of his wife's affair with the sailor, he didn't mind THAT so much, but he could not bear the thought of not having any gold to make his own jewelry with ( The King moonlighted as a jewelry-maker when he had some spare time). The King was very disappointed in Chris; thus he seized Chris' drug fortune from him. From there Columbus roamed about to differing countries, while he was strung-out daily. Eventually he settled upon San Domingo.
It was unbeknown to Chris when he arrived that the Spanish governor of San Domingo hated him, and soon after he landed at that island, he was arrested and sent back to Spain in chains.
When Chris arrived in Spain, he was at once set to liberty, but he could not forget the governor's insult. He kept the chains hanging on the wall of his room, and asked to have them buried with him. No wonder why he couldn't forget the incident.
As Columbus aged; his health broke; he was poor, in debt, and without a home, thus he decided to live in a local rehab community with free methadone. While there he wrote to the King saying, I have not a hair upon me that is not gray, my body is weak, and all that was left to me has been taken away and sold - even the coat which I wore.
When the King received Chris' email, he read it and replied back, Well that's what happens when you get mixed up in drugs, return without gold, screw the King's wife and your not the King - fry you bast*rd! Ha! Ha!
Not long after, Chris learned that the Queen had died. Columbus was distraught and felt he had lost his best friend and sex partner. He gave up all hope, and threw out his bottle of viagra and said,
"I have done all that I could do; I leave the rest to God." Just then he fell dead! God can be funny like that sometimes.
Yes, Columbus died full of disappointment and sorrow, but perhaps, as some believe, it would not be too much to say that he died of a broken heart. Personally, I'd bet anything he died from an overdose, but like I said before, I wasn't there. I may have been busy!
Kenny St. Pierre
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)lots of info, not exactly what i needed but nicely written! :)Thanks Anonymous! I'm not the funniest guy around, but I do like to poke fun at things.
Good, but way too long. I don't think drugs were the main purpose of the voyage- it was GOLD. The drugs were just a little sompin sompin on the side. LOL
But I saw Columbus's birth certificate. He was born in the 70's......The guy was a party animal! :)Thanks for reading.
Very interesting. I didn't know that Chris was a drug dealer.
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