How to be a Parent and still achieve Nirvana: 8 Easy Steps
Posted: Sunday, January 10, 2010
by Kenny St.pierre
Achieving Nirvana while parenting is one of the greatest challenges a human can attempt, and for all practical purposes I say it can be done, but only after one takes control of their kids and forces them out of the house. Therefore, I have concocted a parental formula for new parents that I believe can provide the spiritual bliss they seek, but will never have until the kids are gone. This method is based on the ideal of controlling the children to resentment and the eventual “adios amigo" from your premises.
1) Never listen to your kids. Listening to your kids will only confuse you. They will lie through their teeth to get what they want. Express no interest in what they have to say. Never involve yourself in their life and watch them grow further away from you. Create an atmosphere in which they can't come to you with a problem however large or small, and convince yourself the problem is probably only in their head anyway.
2) Abuse. A good slap, a little discouragement, lack of appreciation, disapproval, or even a frown can go a long way to discourage confidence and well-being in a child. Force them to be who YOU think they should be. Abuse , via control, will cause more than enough resentment in your child where they will eventually move out and stop calling you, and only then will you once again enjoy the peace of mind you deserve. My youngest daughter resented me so much that she moved out when she was eight. I recently realized I've been so happy since she left that I forgot to thank her. I'll have to make a note of that.
3) Help them to feel insecure. Disrespect their privacy. Teach your child that your room is out of bounds to them, but that you have exclusive rights to enter their room. Allow them the feeling that once they enter their room they can know you have looked through their draws and read their diary.
Argue with your spouse or ex in front of the children. If they are sleeping, argue loudly. Modern Parenting shows that children feel insecure and fearful when they hear parents bickering, and are more likely to move out sooner. In addition, children will learn to argue with each other the same way they hear their parents argue with each other. This leads to some good fights and hair pulling. Be sure to always have beer and popcorn in the house; you'll never know when one of these fights might break out and you'll want to be prepared.
Always compare your children to others - especially siblings. Remind each child that they are nothing more than an animal with arms and legs like the rest of us. Celebrate their sameness and instill in each child the desire for them to pursue YOUR interest and dreams. Never teach them right from wrong when they are young, and they will always remain angry and resentful toward you. This is important years later when they have their own children that you don't wish to see. Remember that your child is an extension of yourself. Let your child know they are a puppet under your care and that you have a right to relive your life through them. Tell them that this may be the real reason why they were born.
4) Criticize by focusing on THEIR behavior – NOT YOURS! Never avoid public humiliation. If they misbehave in public, this is your chance to show the world how disrespectful your child is. Scold them publicly with strong language, and in addition to verbal abuse this may be a good time for a physical beating.
5) Never give up YOUR vices; gambling, alcohol, and drugs. These will help jeopardize your child's financial security and free you from their incessant demands on your money. Such transgressions will help speed up the moving out process. Too, smoking almost always introduces health hazards to your child's environment, so do it! Such endangerment will break their desire to continue living with you. Be free of guilt and keep in mind none of this is your fault. You never asked for them to be born.
6) Never attempt to be a role model. You'll want to teach your kids that they were given life to serve you and NOT the other way around.
Take your kids to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, and let them see for themselves that they will have a place to go when you throw them out.
Also, if you expect your kids to listen to you, then stop listening to them. It's impossible to talk to them if they are forever chatting. Get used to saying, “Shut up and listen!"
7) Don't allow them to experience life for themselves. Make decisions for them all the time. They will have to learn how to live with the consequences of their choices after listening to you. Never give them options. Do not miss this important step. If you allow your kids to think things through on their own they may figure out your plan to get rid of them. DON'T ALLOW THEM TO THINK! In fact, do their homework for them.
8 ) Spend only a little time with them. Reflect on your own childhood frequently. Identify the mistakes your parents made, and make no effort to change them. Tell your kids every generation of parents gets to make the same mistakes. Do as little as possible and don't be their friend. Never let them forget that YOU are the parent.
- Make sure they know that your job as parent stops when they grow up.
Remember that once they become adults, the bad decisions they make in life are ultimately theirs, and there is no way you can help them.
Make sure they strictly follow the parental behavioral stereotypes of a culture, race, ethnic group, family, or other defining factor of your choice. For example, it is a commonly seen stereotype that Asian parents will force their children to achieve impeccable grades and take math and music classes. I say if you really want your kids to leave, then force your children to achieve impeccable grades and to take math and music classes. The Asian stereotype is excellent for child resentment!
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Very insightful, Kenny. I've seen others practice these principles and they received the exact results that you surmise. The only thing I can add is that if you never show your kids affection or tell them that you love them, they will start the dating/mating process at a much younger age, looking for someone to move in with and thereby leaving your house sooner.Whether or not this is nirvana or not, I guess it would be up to the individual parent.
"The only thing I can add is that if you never show your kids affection or tell them that you love them, they will start the dating/mating process at a much younger age,..."*** Yes, in the real world it's scary what kids can and will do for a parents love and attention. The beauty of humor is that we can create an environment where no one gets hurt - hopefully. After all, we do live in a world where too many people are so sensitive, and sometimes even humor offends these people.Thanks for the comment Bruce.
I was wondering where you'd been lately. Enjoyed the tongue-in-cheek article. Now I need to go back and change all the "don't do" into DOs and the nevers into ALWAYS... MarijoHi Marijo! Yes, I'm still here.I have a daughter who works with troubled kids, and there are some terrible stories she tells me. Mostly all of it has to do with parents who were "non-existent." If only more people understood the power in parenting and the effects it has on their children the world would be a much better place. There is NOTHING more important than parenting.I miss my girls being small. All the basketball and softball games we had, the helping with the homework, and of course watching Willy Wonka a thousand times.My kids grew up to be very respectful of adults and I have gotten many compliments on their behavior. Now I have a Grandson and when I'm around him I forever have a grin on my face. I can't help but observe everything he does. The next generation has begun! Time to get the DVD player warmed up. Willy Wonka's on the way.
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