HUMOR: My Dating Profile - Man Seeking Serious Woman For Relationship :)
Posted: Monday, March 21, 2011
by Kenny St.pierre
About me: I love watching The Three Stooges, and I frequently give slaps to the face. If this is a problem for you then you should pass me by.
If things go very well in our relationship and we buy a house together, I'd like to make it clear now, that I want the whole garage...I have accumulated many license plates over the years, and would like to hang them up in there. I also enjoy watching TV in the garage, and I'm very good at building useless things.
I don't wear jewelry because I don't want to look like Mario the wannabee nightclub singer.
If you look at my pics and find me unattractive don't despair, I promise that if we meet I'll look much better after you've had a few drinks.
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About you: First and foremost: You MUST have 2 boobs and no penis!
People say women mature much faster then men, and that most 17-year-old females can function as adults... Well that may be true at first, but it doesn't last too long thereafter I've found...I've noticed how immediately after a relationship starts to sour, some women will lie to her own kids and make up stories about Daddy, so the kids will hate him.... This obviously makes Dad retreat back to the Comic book store he owes a 15 year lease on and spend more time there then necessary just to avoid humiliation at home. I see it all the time. I ask that you please be considerate and remain mature.
I ask that my woman not use ridiculously large loops in their consonants when writing to me...I find it very frustrating and a royal pain to read notes like that. I find it's even worse when these type of women dump me, because besides the confusing messages, some women will add smiley faces at the end of their break-up notes and I hate that!!
I also ask that the average number of items you keep in the bathroom to be less than 217.
And if you're the kind of woman who spends 2 hours making a list of things you need for grocery shopping, and then go to the store and spend 2 more hours buying only half these things – then you are not for me. I think it makes much more sense to hold off on shopping until the only items left in the fridge are things turning green and the box of baking powder I bought 8 years ago that I use as a timer..... I'm a very logical person like that.
My ideal woman is the type who when she says she is ready to go out, means it. Not the kind who says, "I'm ready, all I need to do is find my other earring, finish putting on my makeup, iron my dress, and fix the strap on my shoe." ...And when she finally appears ready I ask that she not take time to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, or get the mail. To me "I'm ready" means, "We're out of here!"
If you love cats and want me in your life then I suggest you sell the cats. I once was the place kicker for the New England Patriots.
I don't mind a woman who likes to look good and check herself in the mirror before we go out, but please ladies, don't be the ridiculous sort of woman who checks out your reflection in any and every shiny surface you see - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or even another man's bald head as you walk past. I mean, "Come on ladies! That's a bit much don't ya think?"
I see the telephone as a means to communication, and I hope my woman does too. Nothing annoys me more then when a woman visits her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home she immediately calls that same friend and talks for three more weeks.
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Hmmmm.... don't take this personally, but this may not actually find you a woman... lolLol...No problemo Jean! With the bad things that have happened already this year, I needed to reach inside myself and find some humor somewhere. I hope I succeeded.
I'm still missing the hell out of my son-in-law.I laughed out loud when I read it, so yeah, you succeeded! I hope you & your family get some space to recuperate this year.
It might not find you a woman, but it should be very effective in keeping the guys away.
Hi, sign up to my dating site, I love a challenge, lol, no, actually you have a lot going for you.
You are very unlikely to catch a sexually transmitted desease, add 10 points.
You are unlikely to be encumbered with any future messy and expensive divorces, add 30 points.
You are unlikely to get as far as facing painful rejection, add 20 points.
You are unlikely to face arguments about which side of the bed you wish to sleep on, add 15 points.
You are unlikely to be be criticised for being a charmer, add 25 points.
Hey thats quite a good score, on second thoughts you are clearly hot property, probably E Harmony material........Lol.
I don't really rate people low, so FIVE for you...Its a funny article and enjoyable...
Ha ha. Everything looks fine to me, Kenny, except for that maximum of 217 items in the bathroom - now come on, that's asking a bit much!!
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